The Neighbors who Bullied/Part Une

Last night I couldn't sleep, because I started thinking back, back to a time when I felt like all was lost. It was the beginning of my discovery that even successful people could be jerks. I couldn't believe that people were capable of the things that I will tell you about. Boy, I was in for it.

Once I lived in a two story house duplex,whose outside looked disheveled, distressed, and practically destroyed, like a pair of boyfriend jeans. The rent was cheap, and with some minor tweaks to the inside of my second floor apartment, (painting the floors, painting the walls) it was pretty fabulous. I remember feeling like I had the best set up in the world. I had lovely neighbors that lived below me, They were art students, young, statue-esq, beautiful people that had great great senses of humor, and a dog named Dracula Snake. Coincidentally I happened to live directly next door to an illustration professor (at the same college that both my neighbors and sister attended) and her boyfriend. I was familiar with both of them from a distance; meaning that I had been introduced to them previously, been to parties that both of them had attended, and we knew some of the same people. I thought wow! I really lucked out. Until it got weird. Like super weird.

The bizarre behavior seemed to escalate as soon as the temperatures began to rise. So in the Spring, when I decided to improve the outside of the duplex is when the first scent of disillusionment hit. I was always a fan of plants, and flowers, gardening was relaxing,  so I invested in huge flower bouquets to hang on the porch, annuals to plant in a bed around the perimeter of the house, bricked colored mulch, and several other beautiful green things.

I borrowed my fathers truck to pick everything up from Home Depot, and when I arrived back at my apartment with a truck load of plants, my downstairs neighbors shrieked with excitement. They brought out their gardening tools, put on their jean shorts, called some friends, and offered to help. Before I knew it, it was like a block party. We drank sangria while we worked in the dirt. We listened to Madonna, Blur and Radiohead.

Even the surrounding neighbors who barely said anything stopped and looked, maybe even giving a dry smirk. The finishing touch was a large pewter cracked mirror that we hung on the porch. The downstairs neighbor and myself found it, and carried home several blocks while we were on one of our walks. And when we were done the house looked like a glorious Southern mansion that perhaps had been owned by an elderly lady, who still cared for her plants, even though her house was well worn throughout the years. However, when the professor and her boyfriend came outside they gave off this weird space madness vibe. The professor looked at me,then looked at the mirror, and with her eyes cold, and mouth turned downward she said with a scratchy tone. " Yeah it looks like you stole my mirror idea." I looked at her, then I leaned over to look at the front of her house, and said " but, you don't have a mirror?" and she cut off my sentence and responded quickly in her same raspy scratchy tone with" Yeah honey uh, it's around back." Then she quickly she walked inside her house, and slammed the door. My downstairs neighbor and I stared at each other, I could see it in her eyes that she could feel the space madness.

Previously, I had been invited over to the Professor and her boyfriends house for a couple of parties, with their friends from France, and New York. I had even been invited over to play my bass with the Professors boyfriend, who played drums. The professor herself, had been absent while we were playing music, but later on eerily flowed down the stairs, and interrupted the grungy noise rock that we improvised. and I think she heard her boyfriend say things like, "ah this reminds me of my youth, New York in the 80's". She was silent, and I was uncomfortable.

Even though I had fun playing music with another person, and even though the professors boyfriend called to invite me over to play again, I never went. I began to indulge myself in the piano like I always had. The piano for me is the instrument that was made to sound like an entire orchestra, and it was what I was trained in.

Sometimes the Professors boyfriend would call me to tell me how much he enjoyed my music,because he could hear it outside. Of course when I started remember their phone number I ignored it. I think he knew that. I really wanted to distance myself from anything that felt too uncomfortable. The next door neighbors were becoming the source.

The Sun was setting, It was May 5th, Cinco De Mayo, my downstairs neighbor and I were enjoying the fruits of our labor, sitting on the front porch while the barricade of beautiful plant arrangements provided us with scenery, and shielded us from the direct view of the street. The neighbors from across the street who hardly said anything stopped by to tell us how impressed they were with how the house looked, and the work that we had done. They were actually moving, and asked if we might need some weed killer, because they had never used it. We said sure, and they brought it over. I placed it in the far corner of the porch, behind the chair that I was sitting in. And then The Professors boyfriend came over, he was eeiry he was leering, and more so that usual. He kept asking us what we were going to do that night, he took my glass, and poured himself the rest of our wine without asking. Then,he plopped himself down in my neighbors chair. There was so much silence, and it was so awkward it seemed as though he was marking his territory, yet his territory was next door, on his porch with his really nice looking chairs with cushions and such. I couldn't believe his brashness, my neighbor turned into a timid ball

 As the sun set, in the distance I could see the moon, and it was full that night.

To Be Continued....

I don't want to associate with Vegans

This is controversial, but I'm going to talk about it. 

Why are most of the vegans on the internet so fucking vile? In the past week I have unwittingly, bumped into the most heinous of vegans whose hatred of humans with a difference of opinion has blinded them to even having the slightest bit of rational thought. Drones is what they seem  like, going along with whatever vegan leader that the rest are supporting, without even listening to what these  "leaders" are saying.  Going along with whatever rude tactic they have allowed themselves to be brainwashed into using in order to get people to get others to gravitate toward veganism. But where is the logic in not giving a fuck about humans, but really caring about animals? And if you are using the " I'm doing it to save the planet" Then what about the people on the planet? In what Universe  does it actually work to bully, badger, degrade, and hurt, to get someone to see that your way of living is the correct way? I would be scared shitless if I came across these angry Vegans, and if I weren't already Vegan, I wouldn't care to know what the lifestyle promotes, because the people that represent that lifestyle, were horrid.



Here is one example of many, 
I posted: "Right On. Your logic is spot on" underneath a YouTube video " Why Onision is not Vegan" Because his reasons are valid, and rational, and there is always room to become vegan at some point. Not everyone wants to, or can give up something that they are use to, or possibly addicted to, even with the extremely valid bonuses of veganism.

Then, I get a response from a dude named "Rad" ( I left all of his typos)

Who wrote: No it's not, if you think it is you are just as retarded as him;

Dairying; involves raping and killing cows as well as separating them from their mothers.
Eggs; 99% of chickens in the world are kept in battery cages for their whole life and can't even move their wings. This is a case of two morons wanting to appear morally superior without actually making any effort to do so.

I responded with: 

Seriously. Like Dude, I can think whatever I want, He can think whatever he wants, I think he makes a good case for someone who isn't vegan. Perhaps maybe they might transition better. Lame attitudes are a turn off,to the movement, and If I weren't a vegan and read your comment I would think. Maybe, Vegans are unnecessarily harsh, and cruel. By the way, I'm a vegan of six years. You don't even know me and you call me a moron. Your an awesome person aren't you.

He then said: 

 "I can think whatever I want", oh so is me criticising your stupid comment hindering that? I don't think so. Crazy as it is, I don't control your thoughts. So jump off the defence. No one is trying to mind control you.

"Perhaps maybe they might transition", of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to slowly transition, as long as you have the motivation actually go through with a transition and not stay complacent eating dairy and eggs.

"Maybe, Vegans are unnecessarily harsh, and cruel. "

Besides the fact that I don't claim to be the face of veganism or represent vegans as a whole, me calling you a "moron" is nothing in the face of what animals are subjected to on farms. Needlessly cruel is consuming dairy and eggs. If someone is not going to go vegan because I offend them they do not care enough to ever go vegan, so moot point.Also, well done on your veganism. But it's not going to make me think that this video is any less retarded than it is :)

I responded:

 Ok. I hope your happy, because I'm still happy. You just keep being who you are ok. Awesome.

He wrote: 

Thanks for telling me that your happy, I was worried that you weren't <3

I responded: Ok. Awesome person.The name Rad suits you

Then he wrote: Lol, you're so mad. You're like 50, get off the internet if you're so utterly fucking hypersensitive.

I Responded with: 

Ok, Thank you Rad..;).you are the coolest. The internet is only made for people like you. I get it. Awesome.

Who carries around statics about the cruelty of chickens? He is so cut throat when he doesn't know that I'm Vegan, he calls me retarded, a moron, and he says I have a morally superior attitude. Then after I respond to him about his lack of knowledge about me, and how he called me retarded for agreeing with someone whose views are different, he then says I'm on the defense for being offended, and it's OK to do that because " the animals" have endured suffering.

He felt the need to be morally superior, like a lot of vegans do. They think they are better than someone who eating meat? Dude, there are  a lot of amazing people in the world who eat meat, and just because they do, I wouldn't shun them or make them feel a horrible person.That is not what the vegan lifestyle represents for me. I think that half of the vegan movement is filled with a lot of people who just want to separate themselves from others, so they can have an excuse to bully or look down at, or just be angry at " People" in general. So I will continue to practice Veganism, and I will continue do my part in the world to help make it a better place, but I will never associate myself with the group of " Angry Extremist Vegans"that I encountered over the past week. 

 There should be a new term in place for people who actually practice veganism, but they refuse to call themselves Vegans for the stigma that surrounds Vegans. You know that

 " Crazy" that stigma. I should call it "Closet Vegan"

So fuck these angry close-minded vegans. Fuck their logic ,their body shaming, ideology, and tactics. Fuck their attitudes, and their lack of concern for the value of human well being. Fuck their elitist attitudes. Fuck their need to be morally superior. Fuck them.

To Lie. To Bully. To Judge.

My sister recently had an art show at one of our hometown coffee-shop/galleries. When we were thinking about venues I thought that the one we chose would be a safe one, considering the scandal that I was involved in seven years ago. The problem is that although I thought that the owner of the shop (who I sort of knew, having been invited to a party,at her house and having brief conversations with her from time to time while getting my coffee) was neutral to the scandal. She was not. She gave me all of her stoic glory, her magic dead eyes, and stern disposition, even after many years.

The scandal involved my ex best friend, and myself being involved in a fray that was initiated by her. It's something that I never got over, because fighting was something that was so foreign to me. But it happened all because she wouldn't let me go.

Our friendship was over, she was in a relationship, I found other friends, and we just didn't hang out anymore. And it really wasn't the fact that she was in a relationship that skewed our bond. It was that she started to treat me differently, like in a super negative uncomfortable way, and she did it a lot around other people especially.

The last straw I think, was when she yelled at me over the phone for having a disagreement with her about Radioheads documentary "Meeting People is easy" I rented it because I am a Radiohead fanatic, she on the other hand could have cared less about Radiohead because I think that she considered them "Too mainstream". The argument ensued because of our two opposing views. There is a point in the film were Thom Yorke says that he could care less about stardom and the perks of being famous. And he also said that he could care less that Tom Cruise made a special trip to see one of there shows. My point of contention was that throughout the entire documentary, Thom seemed kind of like, a parody of a really self important famous person. Also, if he didn't care about Tom Cruise then why did he allow Tom Cruise to use two of Radioheads songs in " Vanilla Sky" a movie that Tom Cruise both starred in and produced. At first it seemed like we were having a normal conversation because she perked up at the thought of Thom Yorke being anti- superstar. She was like "Fuck Tom Cruise" But when I tried to bring of my points of contention, she shrieked through to the phone.
 "Let Me Make My Point!" I remember looking at the phone and holding my breath. I was so stunned that she was so bothered, that I meekly responded with an "Ok." When we hung up I decided that it was over. There was nothing else that I could take.

For many weeks I avoided her, like seriously, ducking, running. Until I realized that I needed a dress that I lent her back. Usually I wouldn't have cared about clothing. but, this dress was particularly expensive, and it was pretty fabulous. I sent her a text asking about it, and she replied asking for her book that she lent me.

Instead of meeting at a coffee shop, like I wanted, she suggested that we meet at her house, I didn't want to. She said that she could come by my house, and I told her that I would be unavailable, So she said that she would leave it with my neighbors. Unfortunately, she called me, and said that I was scared to meet her. I guess she was aware that I was avoiding her. I told her to drop off the goods. I stayed put where I was for an hour. But, I wound up, catching her when she appeared with the crumbled Kroger bag containing my dress. She asked me to step outside, so that she could talk to me, the neighbors left us alone, I remember she looked at the door when it closed. We both did. We said horrible things to each other. But it was when I  told her that she should win an Oscar for best actress that she lost it, and pulled my hair, she completely snatched me backward, and I just hung there, for what seemed like an hour. It was like my life flashed before my eyes or something. But instead I was seeing our friendship. From the laughter, to the serious conversations, to the comfort, and apple pie. All in a flash, all was lost.

I remember that I wanted her to be off of me, I wanted it to be over, and I remember that I couldn't feel, anything. When the neighbors broke it up, I was ushered in, and told that she was bleeding, I however remained. untouched, except for the crochet hat I was wearing, it was a goner. I was told that she was filing a police report, so I filed on also. I was later told that she needed plastic surgery because I ripped her earring out, leaving her with a split ear. She also told everybody several blatant lies, that I jumped out of the bushes and beat her up. That I went crazy, and beat her up. That I attacked her. She also was getting a kick out of being the center of attention, and telling people that I was going to Jail. I was told that she was making jokes about it frequently.


I couldn't believe it, but, that happened.She even took it to trial, issuing a warrant for my arrest for first degree assault, in which a sheriff actually served me. I was booked, and fingerprinted. Which she bragged about to various people in our social circle. People began to shun me, approach me make comments about how I was going to jail, sneer at me talk about me in low voices when I entered an establishment. Laugh at me when I walked by. I even acquired a nickname, which is just to horrible for me to write about (it was racist)  And I didn't do any of the things that she accused me of. All I did was defend myself, and I didn't even know what I was doing, when I was doing that.

When we went to court, She lost, because both my lawyer, and the judge asked her questions that she cracked under. I guess, It was hard for her to get asked logical questions,under the guise of a big lie.
I don't know how she explained her loss to everyone, because I sank into a deep depression, I wanted to end it (I wanted to die). I stopped talking to everyone. I couldn't tell who was on my side or not. I don't know if that was the right thing to do. I don't know if my silence helped me. I guess it didn't from the way the owner of the coffee shop acted.

My life completely changed after that, I know that to this day, I still have flashes of the way she looked when she snatched my head backward, how I hung there suspended, and how I nearly let the lies, and false judgments of other people ruin my life force.

Sometimes people lie, and sometimes there is no instant justice. Maybe one day people will know what really happened. There is of course more to this story, because when is anything cut and dry and short and simple.

The Rules for going out in public

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My Right Foot

                                                           This Is My Right Foot

 This tattoo is about ten years old, and I got it after a really horrible relationship fail (Break-up).

 At the time I was dating someone who was in a band, we dated for a year, and a couple of months.  He toured quite a lot, he was hardly ever there really but, I thought that this set- up was really romantic. I am a lover of music, I also play music, so I think that it only made sense that I would have admired his talent, will, and determination, those are all admirable traits. It was only after his bands first European tour that he came back, different. He said things to me like, "I didn't see any Hommies." Hommies meaning black people. When he said this, I remember looking at him, kind of squishing my face and saying something like, "Hommies?" "Really?" In all of Europe he didn't see one black person.  I knew it was a lie, and I wondered why he was saying this to me,while realizing this.

We never really talked about race in that way, I never even thought about it, but, apparently he was. He wound up cheating on me, and breaking up with me, and it was later that I found out that he had a problem with I guess being labeled "The Southern Godfather Of Sludge Metal" while, dating me. I was later told be the former drummer that he hated walking into the grocery store with me, because he couldn't stand the stares of people. Maybe people were staring because he was so much taller than me. Why did it have to be because we were different races?

My resolution to the problem was that it was only his perspective that clouded how he thought the world was perceiving him. I never thought of it that way, my experience was completely different. I thought that people looked at us like we were different in an interesting way, not because we were aesthetically opposite.

There is of course more to the story, about"the girl" who he cheated on me with. About that night when I knew that he was going to " do something shady" with "the girl". How "the girl" stalked me. Without going on, he wound up staying with "the girl", they are still together, I think.. Isn't that funny?

Like everyone who experiences heartbreak, or betrayal or both, it feels like open soul wounds, that throb, and burn and sting. It was really after dating him, that I literally stopped dating. I just could never get into it again. It wasn't like unrequited love loss or anything, it was like, I just don't want to do it.





My tattoo artist used metallic ink, and the flower is a make believe one; It is a combination of my favorite flowers a lily and orchid, and a begonia. When I decided to get this tattoo it was because I knew that I faced an ending, and I wanted something externally that showed what was happening inside me. Raw like a wound.  That is what tattoos represent for me, the process of pain, blood, burning, rest, and nurturing, and in the end you actually get something really cool out of it, you get the stain of a memory, the etching. I really wanted to remember, as painful as it was, and every time I look at my foot it reminds me of that period, and how I healed my way out of it.

 Has anyone else been blinded sided with their partners personality dark-side? I swear this is the stuff indie movies are made from. Am I right?